The break-up of break-ups.

When your break-up is more than a break-up. It’s life changing.

I am suffering from a break-up. Sometimes the physical pain is so great, it actually feels like my body may break. My heart hurts. My stomach is tight and my face is heavy, incredulous at the speed and ferocity of my thoughts.

I’ve spent hours googling the myriad of ways to speed-up this process and explored the possibility of how or if we will get back together.

I’ve cried. I’ve listened to one classical music playlist on repeat cause it’s the only music that doesn’t remind me of him. I’ve deleted photos, been running, got rid of our text chats. I deleted Instagram. Re-downloaded it. Examined his timeline for evidence of how he’s feeling.

I’m spent. Utterly done in. I have hit the emotional rock bottom I’ve dodged for all my 40 years. But here I am, crying as if I were 22 fresh out of my first ever relationship. It all feels so new.

So, with the awareness of an adult, I will share with you my concepts for passing through this pain. No Christmas cracker platitudes here — just some concepts that may bring small shift in your recovery.

Prepare to do battle with your mind

The thoughts will come rattling through your head at 90 miles an hour. They’ll feel real and dig deep into your present. They may even try to trick you into a reality that didn’t exist. Just watch them. Feel them and endure them if you must, but try not to be swept along and subject to them. Name the thoughts: is it the fantasy of what could have been making an appearance? Are you mourning the loss of the early days rather than the most recent turmoil that led to the break-up? Are you in love with the idea of him/her, rather than the reality of who they showed you they were?

This phase is a battle. It’s a battle you know you’re going to get through but a battle nonetheless, as the thoughts whir and your brain becomes a supersonic muscle, producing torment all the time. But as long as you are breathing, you are winning against your mind. Breathe and put one foot in front of the other. Move. Forward.

Feelings change

An insight will occur or a feeling will feel so strong, it’s almost as if your cells are changing inside you. Accept this as a process. The reason they say not to write letters or reach out too soon is that your feelings will continue to shapeshift and morph. Let that happen. But don’t act on them. Feelings come and go like waves — touching your core then pulling back. As the memories hit you, they also get weaker. You struggle with remembering his or her face, what they said, what you said and how they smelled. It all starts to feel quite unreal. Quite dreamlike. Go with it. Feelings change.

Note the ego

The reason this break up is the hardest of my life was that I am able to park my ego. In the past I’ve manufactured ways to demonise the other party or create a story that enables me move on fast — sometimes seeking someone else to cast in their role so I don’t have to sit on the strength of my feelings or punishment my brain is producing. But this time I have been touched deeply by someone and that means my heart is leading the show. I don’t want to escape. I want to learn. I want to juice this experience for every single lesson it has to teach me and show up in life more whole, more me and more resolved. Like every Fortune Cookie tells me, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. I literally imagine new and fresh emotional muscles being built in this process. I can feel them flexing.

The birds don’t care about your break-up

This might seem brutal at first glance. But just think about it: the birds in the sky. The trees. The grass. All these rich and valuable members of life’s ecosystem do not care about you and your problems. While this feels like the most significant thing on the planet right now, remember that the most basic, beautiful parts of our world and let the power of nature guide and heal you where it can. Hand over your problems to nature. As you walk in nature name what you see, hear and smell. See your place in the world and remember all that precedes this moment and let a chink of hope enter as you think about what is to come.

And if you only take one thing away from reading this?

Always know, this too shall pass.